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poems I - sorrow, melancholy, and the self by shehrozeameen

Chapters I need to read by KikuMizu

Literature by 7Demented


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March 27, 2013
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In the nighttime I were glancing,
to the heavens, softly dancing,
where the starlight lay entrancing
thoughts within my mind.

Sirius, I spied in wonder,
the brightest light we live here under;
the Dog Star clad in wildest splendor.

Then there came again to enter,
another thought within my mind.

All the ground below is hiding,
shadow depths so filled with dying.
All those realms so secret sighing;
Hades' hound stirs with his crying:

Cerberus, that beast of thunder,
with three heads to tear asunder
any who might seek to wander
to that starless hidden realm.


Dwelling on these myths, I question'd
if in fable they were lessen'd,
in their act of giving lessons?

For, in truth, there is but this:
a choice betwix two canine myths.
Each journeys as inclines his pith,
to Cerberus or Sirius.


Shall we, our daylight seek to squander,
to succor Cerberus whole lies there under?
Or shall we forsake our fears to clamber;
surmount Sirius, and heavens plunder?  

In which hard task shall we persist?
For death and hope abound like mist.
We seek and find, with hollow fist;
only in the mind do things exist.
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:iconzebucompany:
Zebucompany Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014
Oh ive got one more thing to say. this reminds me a lot of Dante's Inferno. 
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014
Odd you should say that, because I believe that was what I was reading at the time of writing this! I guess the influence must have come through more than I knew...
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:iconzebucompany:
Zebucompany Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014
haha i also smell some HP lovecraft. like the poem in polaris maybe? and as others have said, poe of course. It honestly is a very nice piece. I am very critical of poetry and this is great.
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014
Haha, - wow, you're good! Yes, I'm a big fan of both Lovecraft and Poe. It was certainly Polaris that changed forever the way I view stars. I used to view them in the fairytale magic sense, but now they always seem mysteriously malevolent!
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:iconzebucompany:
Zebucompany Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014
this is excellent. its in the same ball park as the type of stuff i write, which is neat cause ive never met anyone else who does it that way. Very nice.
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014
Wow, thank you very much for such a kind comment. I shall be sure to check out your gallery!
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:iconzebucompany:
Zebucompany Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014
Looking back at my stuff, I think the piece which most closely resembles this style would be Philosopher Tyrant. That's what I was referring to.

And cool, thank you too.
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'll take this stanza by stanza, because I really cannot bring myself to read your poetry month poems after reading the title of this work.

In the nighttime I were glancing,
to the heavens, softly dancing,
where the starlight lay entrancing
thoughts within my mind.


:clap: I read this single stanza five times... six times, rather... in different tones of voice and speech, and honestly... I couldn't feel nothing but awe... The best opening I've read in a long long while!

Sirius, I spied in wonder,
the brightest light we live here under;
the Dog Star clad in wildest splendor.


Again, much like before, but here I'd like to emphasize that... in my opinion... there should've been "just thoughts within my mind" or something for the last line... Its an amazing triplet, but it lacks that... descent, so to speak... do add that...

Then there came again to enter,
another thought within my mind.


Rather than keeping this as a couplet, remove the first line in this couplet, and take another thought within my mind up... rather, turn it into "Sudden... a thought within my mind"...

All the ground below is hiding,
shadow depths so filled with dying.
All those realms so secret sighing;
Hades' hound stirs with his crying:


The last line does not match the meter of the previous three lines (mind you, I do love the flow - its well crafted); something about "with" that puts an extra syllable for no reason... umm... here's what I think:

Hades' dog stirs with his crying
or
Cerebrus stirred by Hades' crying

I wrote the latter because you've already mention Hades, Cerebrus was the only thing left.


Cerberus, that beast of thunder,
with three heads to tear asunder
any who might seek to wander
to that starless hidden realm.


:clap: wow... simply said... wow... the first stanza, and then this... you could honestly write a rispetto taking both in... nice...

Dwelling on these myths, I question'd
if in fable they were lessen'd,
in their act of giving lessons?


again, I feel that there should've been a fourth line... something along the lines of... "about that starless hidden realm?" or "the hidden realm, filled with lesions"... or something of that sort...

For, in truth, there is but this:
a choice betwix two canine myths.
Each journeys as inclines his pith,
to Cerberus or Sirius.


its betwixt. Apart from that, well done again. Bravo!

Shall we, our daylight seek to squander,
to succor Cerberus whole lies there under?
Or shall we forsake our fears to clamber;
surmount Sirius, and heavens plunder?


in the last line you could either go for "and gods we'll plunder" or "surmount Sirius; heavens we'll plunder"... just to give it that added weight about what you intend on pursuing with the act itself.

In which hard task shall we persist?
For death and hope abound like mist.
We seek and find, with hollow fist;
only in the mind do things exist.


the last line is solid gold! gem of a stanza... honestly, your first, third (technically fourth but I'm counting it as third) and last stanzas are in themselves able to tell the story... Its... beyond my means to explain to you how I felt after reading them...

All of these stanzas that is...

I love this poem... keep writing!
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:icondark-precipice:
dark-precipice Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hypnotizing rhythm... You paint a magnificent vision with your words.
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2013
Aw thank you. It's the Greeks though, with their pretty words!
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