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November 4, 2012
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Sing along everyone - this one's rather jolly! (the rhyming scheme at least).

******

I saw angels dance with devils
under winter's crystal sky.
Old men passed between them,
crying "Dead men never die!"

Then the oceans fell before us,
as the dead began to sing.
Heavens parted wider;
winds prickled at our skin.

Now Satan awakes slowly,
like shadows on the sands.
Together we beg forgiveness,
as he lacerates our hands.

The landscape lies broken,
as stones roll through the hills.
Stars are growing brighter,
fed by blood of untold kills.

Death bends his toxic breath,
exuding nameless streams.
fabricating nightmares
and crimson coloured dreams.
The title is a play on the old nursery rhyme "Sing a Song of Sixpence" which has the line "four-and-twenty blackbirds baked in a pie". The rhyming scheme is kind of similar to it! I'm not sure how that happened...hmm

Anyway the actual "Sing a Song of Sixpence" has been interpreted in lots of different ways. Most of these old nursery rhymes often have more significance than it seems.

Anyway!
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:iconhanachi-shitsukki:
Hanachi-Shitsukki Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh the imagery! All the images and... I can hear the voices of children singing happily in my head. ''Dead men never die, Dead men never die~''
Haunting ♥
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Ha! I'm glad you like it. It was fun to write - and to sing :D
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:iconanovoca:
Anovoca Nov 4, 2012   Writer
Good rhymes and great imagery here. The only thing holding this poem back is your halfhearted attitude towards it.

also, line 17 has an extra (odd number) syllable. I would drop the "so" or say "lies here broken" =) to make the syllable count even.

Also not a fan of the verse about starts growing brighter on blood of kills. Imagrey here doesn't make sense. All the other verses on this are wonderful!
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:iconanovoca:
Anovoca Nov 4, 2012   Writer
I am not sure why a smily decided to show up in the. Iddle of that sentence. I blame this pos qwerty phone
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Ha, don't worry I often stick random smilies, lols and exclamation marks in my comments...I'm trying to kick the habit, the smilies are the least serious of my numerous crimes against literature.

Anyway, many thanks for your critique. I've removed the negative blurb, dropped the "so" and slightly altered the line about the stars. The idea behind that line was that as the poem goes on, the scene becomes more apocalyptic. The stars glow red in a darkened sky, nourished by the blood of those fallen. When the stones roll through the hills, that's intended to symbolize the destruction of the world and mankind. The world is becoming the devil's domain.

I wanted to use different words in that verse, but they were too long and
mangled the flow, so it's a bit weak and my intended meaning is obscured I guess...

Thanks for the critique, I really appreciate it :)
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:iconanovoca:
Anovoca Nov 4, 2012   Writer
ah, ok i get the metaphor now. In that way your imagery is very close to revelations were the light of moon actually goes out (instead of getting brighter) and the stars fall from the sky. I think the problem I had with stars getting brighter is that they are often used as a symbol of hope so saying they get brighter sounded like a metaphor for an increase in hope.
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Yes, I see what you mean. I guess I'll pin some of the blame on Mr Lovecraft for robbing the stars of their innocence and hope. I sometimes see them as cold, distant, mysterious and tinged with malice now. But as you point out, that's not the general impression most would have of brightly glowing stars!
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:iconbookbrink:
bookbrink Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Uurhurrgh
Those first and last verses were my favorites. I really like this, not only the rhyme scheme, but the word choice.
"Crimson colored dreams," and "Dead men never die," were just incredible lines. I wish I had written this first, dang.
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