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April 8, 2013
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Fine Autumn had come, coloured the leaves red;
Winter tethered a kiss upon her cheek,
as Constellations crept upon her bed.
Upward a crop of clouds, white misty streaks.
A way, a spark of sun, had not have fled
for wonders burst too fine and pure to speak.
Each season falls to greet the next in flow
as oceans freeze and crystal petals grow.
"The ottava rima stanza in English consists of eight iambic lines, usually iambic pentameters. Each stanza consists of three alternate rhymes and one double rhyme, following the a-b-a-b-a-b-c-c pattern."

Byron's Don Juan is an example of Ottava rima, and it's amazing.

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EDIT: Many thanks to :iconshehrozeameen: for his kind and in-depth critique. I have acted on his suggestions and improvements and altered the poem accordingly! It now actually has iambic pentameter, as opposed to whatever the rhyming scheme was before (if indeed, it had one!). I'm a lot happier with outcome,

Many thanks again for all your help!
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2013
A truly exquisite work!
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014
Thank you for such kindness!
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014
You're most welcome.
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
#PoeticalCondition critique

Well... belated critique. I can't help much with the iambic sound (though I have provided you with an idea of how it works) so here's my take.

I do love your poem. I feel that this poem's title is... "She whispered a transcendent adieu" or something along similar lines. Because to me, the Autumn represents a certain ending of age, and because of that ending of age, there is a wave of fidelity that has developed wherein she makes her way to embrace the hearse of spring. Its metaphorical for the most part (duh!) but it is in itself... in my opinion it is talking about her embracing goodbye... and sailing away to the other world...

X=stressed
/ =unstressed

The pattern, bear in mind, will be such that each syllable will have either an X or a /. not both. So you'll need to make that necessary association yourself. Comments don't grant that luxury.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Fine Au tumn came to paint the leaves with red,
/ / X X X X X / / X

Try altering this first line. Make it:
Fine Au tumn had come, co lored the leaves red
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ / X / X X / X / X
This, or try changing the word "fine" and use "vermillion", "scarlet" or "crimson" instead of red. Maybe that will help.

as Win ter plants a kiss up on her cheek;
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ / X X / X / / X X

Here's another try:
Win ter hea thered a kiss u pon her cheek
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ X / X / X / X / X


while Sum mer slept u pon her bro ken bed,
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ X X X / X / X X X

here's another try:

As di vi si ons crept u pon her bed
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ X / X / X / X / X

lu lled by rac ing clouds of sil ver streak.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ X X X / X / X / X

technically its a syllable short. lulled is one syllable

Up ward a crop of clouds,white mist y streaks
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ X / X / X / X / X

Tis well no sparks of sun and light are fled,
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
X X X X / X / / / X

try this instead:

A way, a spark of sun, had not have fled
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ X / X / X / X / X

I did as much as I could... I hope that it helps you out in whatever capacity... Cheers...
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2013
Thanks once more for taking the time and effort to look over this poem. I really regret not replying sooner. I have inserted my comments after yours in italics with a dash (-) to denote them. 

------------------------------------------------------

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Fine Au tumn came to paint the leaves with red,
/ / X X X X X / / X

Try altering this first line. Make it:
Fine Au tumn had come, co lored the leaves red
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ / X / X X / X / X
This, or try changing the word "fine" and use "vermillion", "scarlet" or "crimson" instead of red. Maybe that will help.

- Thank you! I feel 'Fine Autumn had come, coloured the leaves red' sounds much more fluid than the original. I love "vermilion", "scarlet" and "crimson", but in this case I like the simplicity of the word "red".

as Win ter plants a kiss up on her cheek;
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ / X X / X / / X X

Here's another try:
Win ter hea thered a kiss u pon her cheek
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ X / X / X / X / X

- Again this is a vast improvement from the original, although I might use the word 'tethered' instead of 'heathered' as I feel it conveys the threatening aspect of Winter's kiss.

while Sum mer slept u pon her bro ken bed,
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ X X X / X / X X X

here's another try:

As di vi si ons crept u pon her bed
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ X / X / X / X / X 

- This certainly has a better rhythm, but I might use 'constellations' instead of 'divisions' in an attempt to convey the passage of time; plus it will tie in with the next line.

- As Con stell at ions crept upon her bed
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ X / X / X / X / X

lu lled by rac ing clouds of sil ver streak. 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ X X X / X / X / X

technically its a syllable short. lulled is one syllable

- One syllable? Ah, well spotted! I didn't notice that at all.

Up ward a crop of clouds, white mist y streaks
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ X / X / X / X / X 

- I love this replacement. Especially the usage of the word 'crop'. 'Misty' is one of my favourite words.

Tis well no sparks of sun and light are fled,
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
X X X X / X / / / X

try this instead:

A way, a spark of sun, had not have fled
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
/ X / X / X / X / X 

- A subtle alteration, but one that really improves the rhythm!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Thank you ever so much for your kind, insightful and thoughtful critique. I can only apologise for having not responded sooner. I enjoyed writing this poem as I'd never done anything structurally similar. I can see that I've made many mistakes with regard to the iambic pentameter (and event he syllable count, in one case). It's been great to have the input of someone who really knows what they're doing! 

Putting it all together, the finished poem is:  

Fine Autumn had come, coloured the leaves red;
Winter tethered a kiss upon her cheek,
as Constellations crept upon her bed.
Upward a crop of clouds, white misty streaks.
A way, a spark of sun, had not have fled.

What do you think? :)

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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
definitely saving this comment.

:) It really looks nice. Has a certain charm to it.

Were you able to work on the last two lines? I hope that you have enough on you to manage...
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013
Yes! Thanks again for the all help! :D
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome :) Anytime.
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:iconmichel-le-fou:
Michel-le-fou Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013  Professional Writer
Right. For #poeticalcondition.
The scheme was a-b for the body and a rhymed couplet at the end. He shows good postical sense and knowledge of styles, and a good choice of topics.
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013
Thank you very kindly for your generous critique! :)
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