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With silent grace she shines aloft.
Somnolent stars suffuse face soft.
Gossamer drifts of shifting clouds
cast shadows on a pearly brow.

Waves spin tales of sailors' yarns,
hidden swathes of ancient charms.
Seabirds' cries and creaking calls,
waters whipped by singing squalls.

Neptune urged with surging shifts,
destruction of the struggling skiffs.
To straggling rocks the sinking ships,
sleeping sands each sadly slips.
My attempt at capturing the mysterious, mythic, wild and spiritual feel of the sea.


As always, any comments and criticisms are very much welcomed!

Thanks for viewing :)
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:iconmoonabluesky:
MoonaBluesky Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I really love your style, you paint so powerful images with some words! I'm so frustrated, I haven't the words in english that your poetry deserves so, I'll use my best friend, google translation, in order to try to express what I think of this : Fluid, it's the first word which came to mind when reading these few verses, the sonorities of the English language and the so well chosen words lull my timpans...

Here the sea is a beautiful lady, mysterious and without ages...I feel in the fantastic atmosphere exuded by this poem the influence of Lovecraft, isn't it?
I couldn't love it more!
(sorry for the mistakes--', I wish I was English...)
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012
Wow, it's so difficult to respond to your comment. It just means so much to me. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

I wasn't thinking of Lovecraft when I wrote it, but as I'm a huge fan of his, it's more than likely his influence came through.

I live near the sea and I think it is the most beautiful and mysterious thing on earth. The sea shows every emotion, and holds so many secrets.

Your English really isn't bad at all. I can only speak English, and I still make mistakes with it!
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:iconsplitninja:
SplitNinja Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
The eerie ocean.
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2012
Glad you liked it! :)
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:iconsplitninja:
SplitNinja Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'm glad I read it.:)
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012
Aw, thanks!
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:iconsplitninja:
SplitNinja Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:hug:
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This has a VERY beautiful flow and a wonderful melody to it. I personally do not read such works in depth so I cannot comment on the theme as such but I will say that the first stanza felt a bit obscure. The second and third were fine and I enjoyed the whole poem still. Really impressive style :) Keep it up but next time keep in mind that a reader knows not what is in your mind ;)
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2012
Thanks very much for the kind words. Perhaps the meaning of the first stanza wasn't as clear as I'd hoped. It's about the moon, which I personified, shining softly with sleepy stars drifting across her face.

Thanks again.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah I see. you are welcome :)
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:icontatterdema1ion:
tatterdema1ion Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2012  Student Writer
Oh what glorious effect this had. I always concentrate first and foremost on what's being said, I hardly ever hear the melody I'm so busy listening to the lyrics, so to speak. But wow. I have never heard such a simple rhyme scheme used so effectively. And the way the sounds-- all the "s's" and other repeated syllables-- come together really brings the ocean to the reader as they recite it.

Message wise, you also perfectly captured the feeling of power and antiquity that belongs to the seemingly indescribable ocean. Its very similar to the feelings that swept over me when I was hit by my first wave.

Very well done. Some nitpicks: "Seabirds" needs and apostrophe before the s. Also, you used punctuation rather effectively through most of the piece save for the first stanza. A period after "aloft", "soft", and "brow" might work best, and I'd take out the comma after "clouds". But you should punctuate however sounds like you meant it when you read it out loud. That's really all the critique I can offer, however. It was marvelous.
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2012
Many, many thanks for another generous and detailed critique! I really can't thank you enough; it's absolutely fantastic to have your literary guidance. I have revised my short story and acted upon all the suggestions and corrections you so kindly recommended. I must say, it's a big improvement!

Anyway, onto the poem. All my poems are structured around the melody, I just can't write them otherwise. Sometimes it can mean that the actual content takes a bit of a back seat. I suppose it must be just the way my brain's wired.

I'm glad that the alliteration worked for you: I really wanted to recreate the beautiful sound of the sea withdrawing from the shore, clashing beneath a thunderous sky and breaking against the rocks. The sea has so many moods, and each one of them so deeply and spiritually moving. It always inspires me. I'm not religious, but for me the sea is almost God-like. I don't think I'll ever manage to express how it makes me feel.

As for the punctuation, all of your corrections are again most heartily welcomed. I confess I'm kicking myself for not noticing that "seabirds" required an apostrophe, that's one aspect of punctuation I'm usually clear on. I'll put the apostrophe after the "s" as I had intended the cries to be issuing from multiple seabirds. Thanks for the corrections for the rest of the punctuation too, I will update my poem with these alterations.

It's really encouraging to have so many nice things said about the poem, it makes me want to write more! If ever I can help you out in any way whatsoever, please don't hesitate to ask and I'll try to do my best!
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:icontatterdema1ion:
tatterdema1ion Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012  Student Writer
I'll take a second look at the edits on the short story soon, I think. :)
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2012
Thanks! There's no rush though, you've already spent so long on it. :)
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:icontatterdema1ion:
tatterdema1ion Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2012  Student Writer
It's no problem; the edits were lovely, btw.
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:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2012
Thanks so much! :-D
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